Sweet baby Buddha it has legit been more than a year since I’ve written last. I’m not even sure anyone follows this blog thingy ma doody anymore. BUT, I’m back. lol and holy fucking shit do I have a lot to say. 2019 was by far the most life changing year I had. I lost myself. Straight up where’s Waldo but like, I’m Waldo, and I’m looking for myself among a sea of people. Picture below for reference. lol
We’re just gonna jump right into this shit cuz fuck it. You don’t give a shit what I’ve been up to, word for word. lol but that’s ok cuz this space is for healing and encouragement and growth. So, continue reading my soap opera of a life cuz that’s what the fuck it feels like.
One of the last supporting words my ex said to me was that he wished me luck with my art career and that he hopes I keep on this pace and become successful/happy. He then ended it with, and I quote…
“I hope this decision to stay in Sacramento with your community and animals instead of out here in the Bay with me is the right move for your future.”
wait, what? lol did you just…no, lol did you just try to guilt trip me with that passive aggressive bs? crazy thing is, that probably would have worked on me at one point and time. I was one of those women who lost themselves trying to please their man. We alllll preach about not doing it and about half of us are actually practicing it. He always made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. I could always be doing more. this is called moving the goal post for anyone that is familiar with narcissism. I sold my first house and bought another one, paid off my car, started a new job, created an art business (slowly) but I still wasn’t shit. I could never forget that especially when it was said to me so often. Mind you, his treatment towards me in front of others was one of compassion and adoration and that’s what I ate up as much as I could. I was ashamed to be in love with this person but I’m not anymore. I was for quite some time and that’s what helped me to isolate myself so I wouldn’t have to see the look on other people’s faces. I was ashamed I took someone back who cheated on me countless times. lied to me countless times. gave me the silent treatment countless times. I remember he didn’t talk to me for 3 days once and that was when I told him that his silent treatments didn’t bother me anymore. You literally taught me how to be alone and love myself while in a relationship. Do you know how sad that is? don’t get me wrong, he’s grown too, I’ll give him that much credit. Also, he deserves credit for the role he’s played in helping me to boss up and leave him so I can’t really be too upset to be completely honest. Some people probably think I’m stupid and even more stupid for openly admitting what I put up with. But here’s the strength in that. I’m not going to keep quiet about what I went through anymore. That shit was tearing me apart from inside out all while I kept a fucking smile on my face for fear of being rejected by other people’s opinions of what I was going through. I just wanted to be the woman who finally tamed the beast. but at what cost? myself. So now, I make sure to speak tf up and out against people who disrespect me. who try to make me feel small. Because they’re a man and I’m a woman and I need to know my place. Guess what motha sucka, it’s at the top!!!! Mmk, finger fucking snap, I’m out.
“know your worth and stay grounded by it. don’t tolerate disrespect or negativity. don’t lower your standards and accept what is unacceptable just to keep someone in your life. people walk all over your heart when you skip over the red flags and ignore the warning signs. DISRESPECT AND LOVE CANNOT CO-EXIST, BEING MISTREATED AND CARED FOR ARE INCOMPATIBLE. people will use you so long as you don’t set firm barriers, until you don’t stand up for your own being and make a distinction between what is acceptable and not – and if you find yourself being guilt-tripped for expressing how you feel, know that in itself is unacceptable. knowing your worth and holding onto set standards does not make you arrogant – don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you are wrong for protecting yourself. healthy relationships are committed to respect. don’t grip onto the thorns in admiration of the rose.”