You Used to Be Perfect

Good morning and Happy Friday.  If you’ve read some of my previous posts, they all have a similar style or feeling of chaos to them, at least, that’s my external opinion of myself.  To those who merely know me via IG or FB, I look like I have my shit together.  House, car, job, fur children, pictures show me happy, etc.  I think this is how everyone generally is.  Not many people publicly post their flaws or demons or wear them for everyone to see on social media.   But I always feel like I let certain people get to me and it almost always has to do with someone that I’ve been with.  Boy Drama as my mom would call it.  I’m going to be turning 30 soon and my relationship life is the one thing I just cannot seem to make smart decisions about.  It infuriates me.  One person in particular.  I’ve had my heart broken, ripped apart, cheated on, lied to, over and over and over again, and then I was ghosted by someone with no explanation.  I finally broke the cycle with my ex to the point that I feel heartless.  I used to be the girl that would bounce back stronger than ever despite what I had just gone through.  But what if, now, the only person to blame for what I’ve gone through, is myself because I keep letting people have a spot in my life?

I do a lot by myself now, which, has been enlightening for sure.  I’m a snowboarder, going on my 4th Winter season now.  This used to be a thing my ex and I did.  But, he’s barely able to walk and won’t walk for another couple of months and we’re not together so I’ve been going by myself.  It’s exhausting to say the least.  I don’t have a lot of friends that snowboard or like the cold.  I love it because it’s challenging, I’m not good at it, but I keep trying.  For my 30th, I’m going to Denver, to snowboard, by myself, for a week.  Hitting up Vail, Aspen, Telluride, Garden of the Gods, the Rocky Mountains….and I’m excited af.  Not nervous about it, just pure excitement.  Going solo is a challenge for me too but I realized that if I kept waiting or trying to find someone to go somewhere with me, I’d never go.

Anyways, today I had an interesting morning conversation with someone who I previously dated and we’ve just remained friends on and off since then.  We have the occasional hook ups but we’ve never been on the same page to try that route ever again.  Because of everything that’s happened up to this point in my life, I’m constantly re-evaluating my life.  Trying to work on myself and just be happy.  Well, today, someone told me, “here we go again with this shit. I’ve heard this before, you used to be so perfect, why do you keep doing this”? I tried my hardest to not respond in a rude manner but it just completely irked me that someone would try and knock what I was trying to do for myself and then comparing how I am now versus how I used to be…prior to life experiences.  This is one person that I need to evaluate out of my life and realize he’s not doing me any good.  His 30th birthday dinner is next week and I don’t even want to go anymore.  I’m trying to get myself to a better place again.  One where I don’t rely on others for happiness, one where I feel like I can love someone without being hurt again.  Ya, it’s inevitable but, sometimes I really wonder what I do wrong to be hurt by people this way.  It’s depressing ya’ll.  I’m trying so hard to be optimistic and positive but that completely tore me down and I responded defensively and then not at all once he asked if we could even joke around anymore. “Since you’re changing….”

I write this for me and for whoever needs to read this to not let others bring you down.  You don’t need to entertain people who don’t see the value in how you’re trying to heal yourself.  IT’S FOR YOU and YOU ONLY! Don’t respond, don’t fight back, don’t react…easier said than done but the best thing you can do is just keep trying.  Not many will understand what you’re trying to do and they don’t need to understand.

At the end of the day, I just want to be proud of the person I have become.

I want to be proud of the love I gave — the way in which I risked my heart despite the things it has been through.

I want to be proud of the effort I showed to those I care about.

I want to show with ruthless certainty, that I showed up as much as I could,

and that I made people feel seen.

That I helped those around me feel less alone in this chaotic world.

I want to be proud of my life — the way I healed, of the way I made mistakes, and learned from them,

of the way I felt everything, even when it wasn’t convenient or comfortable.

I want to be proud of the way a grew,

the way I let go, 

the way I pushed myself to always be a better person.

I just want to say without hesitation that I am proud of the way I am living my life.

That I didn’t just take the back seat to fears, flaws, or to whatever hardships came my way.

I want to be able to say I was proud of my being, & the way I survived.

At the end of the day, I want to say that I truly gave it my all.

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