Dad.

I wish you were here right now.  There are so many things that are changing, that are happening, and it’s crazy.  I’ve got tears in my eyes as I’m writing this right now because of how absolutely fucking insane things are.  Even I can barely fathom that this is all real.   This really is a time of change for me.  All positive of course.  I have been tested by multiple things over the past couple of weeks.  I’m selling my first house, we’re set to close next Thursday and my new house is set to close next Friday.  I’ve got two beautiful dogs and a cat.  lol.  Yes, I got a cat, crazy, I know but she’s a total sweetheart and I rescued her.  Pics for attention below.

Anyways, I’m not sure what’s going on but over the past week I’ve had 4 of my ex boyfriends hit me up at random.  One of them from over 6 years ago emailed me and I deleted that shit and didn’t respond.  The second one hit me up Wednesday night out of the absolute blue, didn’t respond to that either, then, the guy who I was just dating and stopped talking to me (is that even considered dating if someone does that to you)? I’m not sure but he text me asking to talk when I’m free and I ignored that as well.  And of course, my wonderful, consistently inconsistent ex boyfriend of 3 years is still sending little messages and flowers.  Can’t wait to be at the new house because he has no idea where I’ll be living.   I’m just blow away by everything that is happening right now.  Today really does represent a time of rebirth and change as we’re experiencing a solar eclipse.  I’m typically not the type of person who believes in spiritual awakenings and horoscopes, planets aligning, etc., but I can’t explain this feeling and energy I have lately.  This sense of truly focusing and re-energizing myself.  I’m happy.  I’m almost scared to type that cuz I feel like the second you say you’re happy,  a fucking comet is going to fall out of the sky and probably hit my car.  lol.  but,  I am.  The feeling is unreal, almost foreign, I just smirked.   I’ve had to take a step back and detach from so much that my thoughts are everywhere right now.  Even on this post.  I apologize if it doesn’t make sense but that perfectly depicts my brain right now.


March 21, 2007 at 3:00 PM I lost my dad.  He had a heart attack.  He went upstairs to take his heart medicine, came downstairs, set his pill bottle on the table, and experienced a heart attack.  Paramedics said he died as soon as he hit the floor.  Ironic isn’t it? He died of a heart attack right before he took his heart medication.  He was at home, in Nevada, with my brother, and my sisters husband.  I was at school, warming up for my track meet.  I couldn’t tell you who we were competing against that day.  But I can tell you what I was doing right before I got the phone call.  Back track a little….my dad ran track in high school.  He actually grew up in Reno.  It wasn’t my intention to fall in love with track and field, but I did.  I tried a ton of sports growing up and track and field was the only thing that stuck.  You know why? There are no try outs, you can’t be eliminated. lol.  Not even joking.

  • Soccer, I can’t kick the ball with the inside of my foot.  I always kick with the tip of my shoe and have no idea where the ball will end up…eliminated.
  • Volleyball, I hit the ball too high up on my forearms.  Also, no idea where the ball will end up…eliminated.
  • Softball, expensive. Never really explored that but let’s just assume that I’m not good at that either. eliminated myself.
  • Flag football, I was good at that because I could run and juke the other girls but that wasn’t exactly a full seasonal sport, it was just 1 powderpuff game.
  • Cheerleading….ya, no. Not a fan of short skirts and waving pom poms around.
  • Basketball………HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAHAA.  Don’t ask…
  • Track and Field…you mean, I can pick what I want to run or throw and if I don’t do that good, I can still keep trying? oh…ok. ya, let’s try that.

My PE teacher was the girls track coach.  Idk what we were doing in PE but he suggested I come ‘try out’.  I did better than I expected and did track all throughout middle school and high school.  Made it to State championships twice for my relay team.  I was 3rd leg and anchor.  I tried all of the events.  Shot put, discus, 100m, 200m, 400m, 4×1, 4×2, 4×4, 100m hurdles, long jump….I’ve fucked up my shoulder from shot put and discus and can’t lay my shoulders flat on the ground or up against the wall.  Towards the end of my high school career,  I primarily ran the 100m, 200m, and relay team.  My dad had never been to any of my track meets and I remember asking him why he hadn’t gone to any of my track meets.  March 21, my first race was set to begin at like 330-345.  I was warming up, contacting my family to see where they were.  My older sister was on her way home and she let me know she couldn’t get ahold of any of the boys but she was almost home so they could all come to my race.  My brother in law called me and I remember he told me I needed to get my ass home now.  I remember telling him, “I can’t, my race is about to start.” He asked me if my coach was nearby so he could talk to him and I said yes, and handed the phone to my coach.  They talked and I remember my coach’s face.  “Does she know? Oh…ok, I understand.” and he handed me the phone and my brother in law said I need you to sit down.  “what’s going on”? I demanded, and he told me my dad had a heart attack and had died.  I hit the floor quicker than a 100 lb weight.  I can barely tell you what happened after that besides crying my eyes out…surrounded by teammates and strangers.  I didn’t have the best of friends at that high school.  North Valley High School was a small high school with a senior class of like, 100 ppl.  My high school in Sacramento had a graduating class of over 500.  These people all knew each other well.  I felt so alone.  I almost didn’t graduate.  My AP English teacher Ms. Fucking Anderson, held me accountable for the 2 weeks of school I had missed due to his death.  I didn’t sleep at home because that’s where he passed away.  I remember telling him bye and that I loved him that morning before going to school.  I remember I packed his room when my sister and her husband sold that house for all of us to move back to California.  My dad and I started to get close my senior year after he uprooted my little sister and I from Sacramento to start a new chapter in Nevada.  My mom was still at the house in Sacramento, packing it up to sell, and move to Nevada with us.  A move I remember he told me regretted.  My mom was 2.5 hours away.

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They met during the Vietnam War.  He was stationed in Thailand because it was considered a safe zone.  He dad was a general in the Army.  He was from Odgen, Utah and she was from Manila.  They met, fell in love, and within 30 days, he proposed to her.  One year later, they got married, and moved to San Francisco.  They were married for 30+ years as of May 28th.

It’s been 11 years.  Yes, it’s a lot easier and the wounds have healed but sometimes they do open.  Especially in moments like these past couple of months where I wish he was around to see the progress I’ve made.  The troubled little girl from the foster home who used to lie, steal, and cause problems daily.  Out of everyone in the family, no one has expected that that little girl would be where I’m at today.  Not even me to be completely honest, but, HERE I FUCKING AM.

Never let the odds stacked against you stop you from walking around that bitch and flipping it off. 

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