Letting Go…

Letting go

Well….I called it.  I could feel it happening.  I could feel him slipping away from me quite some time ago and as I felt it happening, I subconsciously started to be more needy I think.  I became selfish with any free time that he had.  Last Tuesday we were supposed to hang out and when we talked, I could tell he was stressing out and I was trying my best to bring him out of the funk he was in.  I was hearing that things weren’t going well for him at work,  I knew things were unsteady with the mother of his child,  he was having to deal with the consequences of a bad decision he made last year,  and we ended up not hanging out.  The last time we physically talked was last Wednesday about the Giants game and then….silence.  I could tell he needed space so I figured I would give it to him, I just didn’t think I wouldn’t hear from him for days.  Friday morning,  his mom called me at 6am saying that his daughter was in the ER and she was trying to get ahold of him.  I told his mom he wasn’t with me but that I’d stop by his house on the way to work.  I kept calling him and his roommate and neither one answered (heavy sleepers).  So I get to his house and wake him up by knocking on the front door and he answered halfway awake.  It literally went like this….(names omitted for privacy reasons)

Him: hey, what’s up?

Me: you might wanna call your mom.  <blank> had to take <baby girl> to the ER because she was throwing up all night.

Him: what the fuck.

Me: your mom called me back and said she’s fine now but you might wanna call her.

Him: ok…

Me: …..alright….

and I walked away and that’s the last time I’ve seen him or had even a semblance of a conversation with him.  I didn’t get a thank you, nothing.  His mom text me later that day saying <baby girl> had caught a stomach virus but she was ok now.  HIS MOM TEXT ME TO GIVE ME AN UPDATE AND SAID THANK YOU.

It’s funny because my best friend was so adamant that he would call or text about going to the game.  I knew he wouldn’t so I invited someone else, thankfully.  And she knew the situation so it wasn’t some fucked up thing for me to invite her and potentially un-invite her if he happened to be able to go.  But I just knew, I had a feeling. Sure enough,  I didn’t hear from him all weekend but he would watch my social media.  I got relatively drunk and ended up posting this stupid ridiculous thing on my Snap Chat about being a single woman in today’s stupid, game playing generation of men and instantly regretted it waking up Sunday morning seeing that he had watched almost all of them.  I was upset Saturday night and then pissed off but I shouldn’t have posted that shit.  Now I feel guilty…Well, me and my girlfriend spent all weekend in San Francisco, we had a great time.  We drank, made friends,  went to the beach, just carefree as can be.

IMG_6371

Visited this open rooftop bar and watched the sunset 40 stories high.

It was much needed but inside, even though I had spoken the words that I was over it….I wasn’t.  I’m conflicted on whether or not to keep caring because I have no idea what happened,  what’s going on with him, how he feels…nothing.  How did it go from this man telling me he loved me,  appreciated me, how beautiful I was,  that he loved that I was a woman with goals, and my shit together to absolutely fucking nothing day by day.  I could feel the distance increasing.  The communication became less and less.  He stopped spending the night because he had laundry to do.  Then he’d invite me over but not until like 8 or 9 pm.  All of this makes me sound so dam pretentious, like some uptight woman…but I’m not…I was just reacting to his actions.  Words weren’t matching his actions and vice versa.  And it’s not even until recently that I just, felt like I have to let him go.  To be content with not getting an explanation.  Reminding myself I’m worth all that and more.  A MAN SHOULD NOT BE WHO OR WHAT BRINGS ME HAPPINESS.  I screamed at the top of my lungs in my car as I played Leanin On by Gourdon Banks.  Cried myself to sleep because I hated that I loved someone again and felt let down.  I cursed my exes name over and over for the years I devoted myself to him and no longer recognized my heart.  I cursed him for emotionally abusing me thinking that I should put up with people’s shit because I love them and they love me….this is what people do.  They hang on.  I went from feeling secure to panicking over little things.  Some girl calling him at 330am and texting him asking him what he was doing.  When I asked him about it in the morning, he told me that she needed a ride…and I didn’t believe him.  and that was the last weekend I spent with him.  Things I thought I had healed from were resurfacing.  I was still being triggered and it made me emotional.  I couldn’t control it.  So Monday, June 25, after not hearing from him at all, despite the advice of my best friend to just be patient and wait the week out, I texted him…

2:52pm – Me: J, can we talk when I get off? this is important.

him: can we talk later tonight? I’m gonna be leaving soon. gotta pick up some things before I head to my parents for my dads birthday.

me: preferably sooner than later.

him: well I won’t be home late.

me: k thanks

I went to bed about 10pm Monday night without hearing from him.  Woke up the next morning to:

11:15pm – him: sorry, I’m just getting home.  let’s talk tomorrow.

I didn’t text him back because I figured we would talk that day.  So all day Tuesday, I didn’t say anything and neither did he.  Went to gym with my best friend, posted a snap, and at 8:27pm, I text him, “hey what’s up.” I kid you not….he checked my snap chat within 20 minutes of me texting him but he never text me back.  So fucking aggravating.  At this point…I don’t know what to do.  I remember him telling me on our first date while eating that I had completely captured his attention and he wanted to know more about me.  I was funny and he had never laughed so much with someone and hit it off as quickly as we did.  As we walked around Sutter’s Fort after dinner,  he told me that it’s hard to keep his attention.  He loses interest quickly and will just stop talking to someone….and now, that’s all I can think about.  that he lost interest.  He just, decided not to tell me.  my best friend tells me to just give it time.  be patient. he WILL come to me. He WILL talk to me.  He WILL he WILL he WILL….my response.  HE WILL NOT. I am such a fucking lover and when I love someone,  you will know.  You will never wonder,  you will always hear it, feel it, and see it.  My gut tells me he’s not interested.  My heart tells me he does.  My mind tells me that we’re still friends on social media so maybe he still does care.  But maybe that’s my technological generation dependency speaking.  I spent years waiting for a boy to grow up, to realize my worth all while sacrificing myself for him,  and here was my best friend basically telling me to sacrifice how I felt and just give it time.  I lost my patience to be patient with men who can’t communicate and just say wtf they want or need.  He told me a month ago that this is what he wanted, he loved everything about me,  he just felt like it was moving so fast but why should it matter if it felt right.  I think at that moment, I should have realized ultimately what he was saying.  he wasn’t ready…no matter how much love and support I could give,  I couldn’t make him be ready to receive it.  and that hurts.  it hurts differently than being lied to, manipulated, and abused.  it hurts in a way that I can’t comprehend.

I’m scrolling through IG and I come across so many posts that feel relevant.  Maybe they seem relevant because now I’m in a position where I’m paying attention to these posts about self-worth, how someone’s effort is a reflection of their interest in you,  if they wanted to talk to you or be with you, THEY FUCKING WOULD.  I can’t help but let it sink into my brain and upset my stomach.  So I came across this and perhaps it made me feel better, I don’t really know.  But maybe I should trick myself into thinking this is the case here and maybe I’ll ultimately feel better….I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

I miss him.  I fucking miss you.  Staying up until 2am while you watch me play Mortal Kombat and you play for me when I couldn’t beat someone.  I miss going downtown and walking around being goofy as shit,  going to Coin-Op and beating you at a racing game,  going to that new outside brewery and playing those Roseville douchebags and FUCKING BEATING THEIR ASS.  you and I were both so happy that we beat them.  you make me feel it’s ok to be myself.  telling corny jokes and you laughing so hard with me or at me. telling me I’m not funny but laughing at the same time.  you loved my body and how hard I was working in the gym.  you gave me art supplies and when I shared with you what I had done,  you liked it, genuinely liked it.  you’re not artistic but you appreciated what I showed you.  maybe this just isn’t our time.  maybe we both need to heal.  we did tell each other that at the point you and I had met, on St. Paddy’s day, that neither of us expected this.  just weeks prior to us meeting, we both had given up and said fuck it.  I felt lucky to have met you.  I’ve never felt lucky to meet someone.  I’m always the one that someone else feels lucky to have.  you calmed me down in a way you wouldn’t understand.  I’d rest easy at night,  smile throughout the day, feel secure as fuck,  and kissing you…god, our first kiss, in my car, outside the bowling alley.  you told me to kiss you and I said no. don’t rush it.  we bowled, I won 2 out of 3.  I don’t think you were expecting me to be so competitive, to enjoy drinking.  the fact that I could pull off sweatpants,  sweating while cleaning the house,  and clean up quicker than any woman with minimal effort.  I don’t contour or have any type of injections in my lips or butt.  I’m natural.

that kiss. that was the moment.  everything felt so natural and easy.  I felt that it could really last.  but, reality hit after you had to be away for 5 days.  it was torture.  and when you came back, I picked you up, and you embraced me as if it had been a month.  but soon after…shit started changing.  and now…I hear things still aren’t going good for you at work.  my best friends husband and him both work together and my best friend told me their paychecks were terrible and the first thing I thought of was you. but I couldn’t text you. I want to be there for you and make you feel happy and smile, even if it’s just for a brief moment.  I want to be the person you look forward to and now I don’t even think you’d look back at me if we walked past each other.  I know what happened with my ex but I have no fucking clue what happened with you.  I read our messages constantly because I refuse to delete them.  it would feel fake, as if none of these things happened between us.  looking for signs.  something.  we’d send pictures to each other constantly. our chemistry, good lawd our chemistry.  are we broken up? are we done? I assume so but…I truly have no clue.  so, I just…have to let you go.  ❤

What has to be done...

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