Work in Progress

I have had a very difficult month emotionally.  I am steadily trying to work on myself, mentally and physically.  I’ve had a few set backs, missed the gym for almost a whole week because I was so out of it I couldn’t focus.  Then I spent the whole weekend at my boyfriends just so I could inhale and get high off of his company.  I’ve been having this terrible feeling and I’m not even sure I can trust it because I overreact to everything.  I feel everything so deeply it’s exhausting.  I want to be there for people and I found myself breaking down about Father’s Day, unable to get ahold of the one person I was hoping could make me feel better.  I can feel my boyfriend slipping away and I curse myself for potentially being the one to ruin it because I almost expect him to fix everything that my ex did and the range of emotions I have as an outcome of such a toxic relationship.  I don’t really remember what a normal relationship is like anymore and the way things started with this one, they were fucking great.  I knew that this is what it’s supposed to be like.  To feel appreciated, loved, cared for but now…day by day, I don’t know where we stand anymore.  He does have a lot on his plate and this is the part that starts to make me feel like I’m being too emotional because he has so much going on that he’s not providing that security he once was.  But then my mind thinks…does he really have a lot going on or is he just trying to, slowly detach?  My ex played so many games with me that I question almost everything even though he hasn’t shown me one single reason not to trust him.  I’ll say this over and over that he is a good person but the lack of communication really gets to me.  It makes me feel like a bug-a-boo.  Calling and texting and not getting a response until hours later with no justification for not responding.  He used to be so attentive, quick to respond, to tell me he was running late or had to do something but now it’s just completely changed.  He set the pace for this,  he started this book,  and I thought we were on the same page until one day,  I was on a page he wasn’t.  Instead,  he had stopped reading and was thinking about the first couple of chapters but he didn’t tell me.  I wish I could write entirely about what he’s going through but it won’t translate well without providing everything.  He’s got a lot of growing up to do and the question I have to ask myself is if I want to be patient and supportive while ultimately sacrificing my needs to be there for him.  I wasted 3 years with an abusive, cheating, substance user losing sight of my worth and now I’m beating myself up over this one, wondering what I did…do I end it or ask if he wants to take a break? idk

Monday morning,  I woke up to this message from my ex – dun dun dun, the narcissist.IMG_6086

I was with this man for 3 years and I never once felt like we had a real relationship.  In our last couple of months, we both hid each other the best we could.  I was ashamed.  I didn’t want anyone to know I had let him back in, let alone I let him move into my home.  We haven’t been together for a really long time and this was his message to me.  I block his number and he’ll text me from another number or email.  I get missed calls from unknown numbers all the time.  He’s threatened me, then he’ll tell me he loves me, then he’ll say he’s coming to my house to take all the stuff he’s bought me.  He was a constant cheater, liar, and misogynistic person who thinks women were put here on the planet to serve men.  and I loved him…

I’ve been struggling to maintain control of my emotions because I just don’t know how to react anymore.  I have high expectations and I can be overbearing and maybe just a tad bit suffocating.  I feel like I do all of these things to try and overcompensate, show that person how much I care and I end up pushing them away instead.  I hung out with my boyfriend all weekend and the second I don’t get the attention I crave from him,  I start to feel alone.  It makes me upset to think this way and to feel this way.  So back and forth all the time.  Trying to have serious talks instead of just letting things play out, relax, and have fun.  We’re supposed to go to a Giants game this weekend and I’ve spent so much time overthinking that I don’t even think he wants to go because he’s admitted that he has a hard time saying no to me.  I even asked him again yesterday and he said he wanted to, he just has to talk to his boss because he’s supposed to have a mandatory Saturday….which, he’s missed quite a few of without approval so that was kind of confusing.  He’s a great man and it’s not his fault but I’m just not sure he has the patience for the hurt I have, to heal the hurt I have.  I can feel myself pull away in order to protect myself now.  Things have been so different and I’m the type of person who feeds off of vibes, communication,  attention and when that person is falling short of providing any positivity,  I kill myself by thinking something is wrong with me.  With my ex, it was a constant competition in everything and the emotional/verbal abuse was so debilitating that it’s been hard for me to recover from it.  I honestly don’t think I can thank my best friend enough for being there for me through everything even though I completely feel like I have let her down.  It’s a regret I will always have, even now.

I don’t always feel like people understand me or what I go through in my mind.  The battle that is raging on the inside but completely calm, put together, dressed up with a smile on the outside.  There are times when I just can’t handle it and it all comes pouring out at once.  I hate feeling like I’m always there for people but I don’t always feel like those people have my back.  To feel so strongly about everything is fucking exhausting.  I started this blog bullshit and let it completely fall off because I don’t know how to formulate my thoughts anymore without it sounding like some insecure, needy, can’t-be-alone bitch.  I love my solitude when I need it but when I seek company, and it’s not available,  it makes me feel alone.  How do I fix that? How do I get past this point of over analyzing everything? To stop waiting? To relax…

Unrelated: my dad passed away my senior year of High School.  I miss him so much and I wish he could see the woman that I’ve become.  He and his wife adopted me in June 1997.  He didn’t want to because I had a lot of issues to overcome.  I was living in a foster home for quite some time, attending therapy, I was violent, I would steal, lie, curse.  My childhood was not easy by any means.  I will elaborate on this at some point.  But,  he taught me a lot in the last few months he was here and my heart yearns for him to see where I’m at.  Selling my first home so that I can buy another one,  I have two wonderful dogs, a great job, and a badass car he once laughed about when I told him I would get one someday.  I hope he knows I’m trying and I hope he is proud.  Losing you tore apart this family but we’re all managing, battling our own demons everyday.  You’re the angel that scares those demons even if you’re not on Earth’s plane.  I love you Dad and as always,  shut your face ❤

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