Forgiveness.

I’ve been struggling with this F word for quite some time now.  I’m constantly battling my own emotions.  My own mind because my thoughts enjoy cardio more than I physically do.  My best friend has been a constant in helping to remind me that I am not the person he made me feel I was.  He would make me feel completely worthless, like I shouldn’t have a voice, or be allowed to react the way that I did to his actions.  Sometimes I feel really hard to love because I’m sometimes expecting the worst, ready to bolt and shut down because I don’t know what else to do.  I wrote him a 20 page letter that he couldn’t interrupt or belittle and he told me it made him want to hurt himself.  He would text me everyday that he loved me, he would win me back, no one deserved me more than he did and even had the nerve to ask me if I really thought he would mistreat his wife and kids.  Did I really think he would put his family through what him and I had both been through as kids? I used to fall for it constantly.  I wrote down 3 years of emotional abuse and his response was that he deserved me.

I had a complete breakdown last week because I was scared that my boyfriend was falling out of love with me.  That he was losing interest in me.  And I didn’t know how to stop myself from creating a scenario in my head and having a reaction to something that wasn’t even technically happening.  It’s hard to be loved and love when you’re expecting the absolute worst every week.  It’s hard telling another man how an ex altered the way I thought about things.  He used to ignore my calls on purpose,  or if I called, he’d answer and tell me that I always called at the wrong times, in the middle of a good song, or he was busy.  He’d always be on his phone around me but when he’d visit home, we’d barely talk, or he would leave his phone somewhere charging, or in his truck.  The man I’m with now was at DMV and had no service inside, his phone ended up dying, and I couldn’t stop freaking out because he wasn’t answering any calls or messages.  I thought I was recovering,  I thought I was fine, until I actually started dating another person.  Whereas before, I was alone, and I was fine with it.   I grew to really love my solitude, so much that it scared my best friend that I was going to close myself off from letting anyone get close to me.   Then I met him, on a night where I didn’t even want to go out.  It hasn’t been easy by any means.  Some nights, I don’t even tell my boyfriend about how I’m feeling.  It’s exhausting trying to explain how hurt you feel when they weren’t even the one to hurt you.  It’s exhausting trying to reveal everything someone did without feeling weak.  I tried dating during a break my narcissist and I had and that man asked me how could I be so weak.  I tried not to be insulted because I wanted to act like I was fine but he ultimately made me feel like I shouldn’t talk about what happened.

I need to learn how to forgive myself because it’s not a weakness for how strongly I love, for accepting a person for who they are, and thinking that love shall prevail, that another person would be smart enough to recognize a woman with nothing but good intentions.  I forgave you but I have yet to forgive myself.  It’s not your fault either that you couldn’t recognize me for what I have to bring to the table. But, it is my fault for staying when I knew you weren’t the one for me.  It is my fault for staying as long as I did.  But, that’s why I finally left.  I want to recognize myself again and love without any reservations or breakdowns.  My boyfriend deserves it now and my husband will appreciate it later.

It’s been almost a year and I cannot be happier with where I am at.  It’s a slow progress but it’s a gratifying journey and I have nothing but tomorrow to look forward to.

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