Stepping Stones

So, I guess I should start writing about my purpose for creating this blog.  It’s personal, it’s deep,  and quite a few times I have cried my eyes out so hard I could barely breathe.  I typically like to start my morning quote searching on Pinterest.  It’s a black hole of creativity and emotion and so hard to peel away from.  I’m an open book and I find that talking about the shit that has happened, has helped me tremendously.  Do not read this with pity, or cast a judgment based off of what I write,  I lived this so I know how stupid it was, how weak I was, but I can bet your ass as well as anyone else’s, it won’t happen again.  Read this with understanding that emotional abuse is a thing, narcissism is a thing,  and it’s very hard to crawl out of because of love.  BUT, by no means should you ever stop loving just because you loved a toxic individual.  “You reap what you sow…”

Today’s quote is for women, or anyone really, that’s loved the wrong person.  This quote sums up what I did for 3 years until one evening, in the car, on the way home from snowboarding, I found myself reacting in a way that I normally never would with someone.  It was completely out of character but I don’t regret it because that’s what needed to happen in order for me to get it.

reflection

He is an alcoholic and a heavy drug user that I thought I could change.  I thought love would prevail and he would realize the kind of woman I am.  I can’t say I lost any time because I ended up learning a lot.  Him and I dated after high school.  I moved to the bay area  after graduation and we hit it off but he was controlling and I was young, just promoted to an assistant manager, got a credit card, bought a used car.  I thought I was doing good and then, my car got stolen, credit card cancelled with a high balance, I was demoted, and he refused to take me to work for 2-4 hour jobs.  Public transportation cost money and we started arguing all the time.  He once spent the night with his ex-gf and locked me out of the master bedroom and I had to sleep on the couch til he came home at 5am.  I would call home crying all the time.  I was living with him for about 5 months and then I moved back home with my family in July 2009.  Things got better,  I struggled for months, sometimes I still do.  But, I eventually moved out on my own for 2 years and during that last year at my apartment, he came back into my life.  It was October 2014,  he showed up on my social media,  and that’s how it started all over again.  But this time, it was worse.

The drinking, lies, cheating, and the overall treatment destroyed almost everything inside of me.  I took him back about 4 times…and each time I left and came back, I’d end up leaving months later because he stopped trying to hide it from me.  At one point, the infidelity was laying right in from of me, on an air mattress.  July 2016, camping at Collins Lake.  I was supposed to work but I ended up getting the day off so I decided to head to Collins a day early.  I called and text him that I was coming but there’s very little cell service at the camp sites and unless he went to the store at the top, he wouldn’t know I was coming.  I got there and somehow found his friends and went back with them to the campsite where they told me he was in a tent because he wasn’t feeling good.  I poke my head in and he’s on the air mattress, half asleep, with a girl, laying on his arm, under the covers.  I remember asking, ‘what the fuck is going on here,’? and the girl looked at me, gave him a dirty look, and left.  She disappeared for the rest of the night.  He did his best to lie about it, ‘she just came in here after I got out of the shower and laid with me.’ but….you let her and you were naked.  What did I do?  I stayed.  and the next morning, this girl, who I actually knew and we always got along, would barely look at me.  We ended up taking the cars down to the beach area and I confronted her.  She started crying and told me, “I can’t do this,” as she walked away.  the next moments are a bit of a blur but I confronted her again.  she was in the water and I walked up to her with my back to the beach, asked her what’s going on, and she looks past me and says, “I have to tell her.” I look back and I see him, glazed, deer in the headlights, walking towards us, I turn towards her, and the last thing I recall her saying is that they had been sleeping together for quite some time.  At this point, it’s late afternoon and I had been drinking but I somehow managed to get back to the campsite where he had already started packing my stuff for me,  and I remember hitting him, screaming at him, making a huge scene,  as a camper nearby came to console me and told him to stay away from me.  Mind you, I was attempting to hurt him physically but the whole campsite heard what I had to say and when I realized the attention we were getting, I panicked and shut down out of embarrassment.  By this time, a ranger showed up and asked me what I wanted to do, to which I said to leave, and he escorted me out.  I drove home at almost 100 miles per hour, picked up my best friend, and her husband, and drove to the bay area where he lived,  and emptied my room of his shit.  I didn’t destroy anything, I just took what was mine.  After he came back into town,  he contacted me saying he filed a domestic violence report against me because I gave him a black eye and no matter what he did, I had no right to hit him.  That was one of his many tactics.  He would go from suspect to victim.  Every time.

Sadly, this wasn’t the first incident nor was this the last.  But, by the time I had the strength to leave, I left because I didn’t recognize myself anymore.  I was tired of crying and feeling alone, being used, belittled,  and degraded.  I’m 30, became a homeowner at 25,  working for the government since 2010, and my credit score is in the 700’s with a very nice retirement plan set up but this man child would tell me I wasn’t shit, my home wasn’t shit, my car wasn’t shit all while he rented a room no bigger than Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs.  Not passing judgment but he didn’t really have his shit together to be directing such stupid things at me.

Honestly, he motivated me since the day I moved away from him in 2009.  I vowed to never let another man lock me out of a good nights sleep and I kept that promise to myself.  Fortunately, no other man did, but, I let him back in 5 years later.  I have attended countless sessions of therapy to try and recover from this relationship and to this day I’m still trying.   Some days are easier than others but right now, I’m happy.  I’m positive and the last time I cried, I cried because of how happy I was and how amazing the man I’m with now, is a man.  He doesn’t play games, he appreciates me, I trust him entirely,  and I feel incredibly lucky to have him.  He calms me down in a way I can’t explain.  He has shown me that I can’t get so worked up over every. little. thing.  He just wants to be present, with me, wherever.  and I love him for this.  thank you JA ❤

I owe....

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