This is one of those posts about fitness being a lifestyle over a hype, ya, I’m one of those now. A little over 6 months ago I was pushing almost 200 lbs. I stand at 5’4”….which isn’t healthy. My BMI was a little over 30% and I wasn’t eating (or drinking) in a way that was good for me. I did manage to hide it well, kinda. I have quite a few back problems that have stemmed from working out, snowboarding, and just bad form period. I was tired all the dam time and then, I just decided to start working out. Almost every morning, I’m at CalFits doors when they open, that’s 430am. And sometimes I’m there again in the evenings. I changed up my eating and drinking drastically. I was stagnant for a few months and I was so pissed, I couldn’t figure out what it was so I decided to stop eating meat but in moderation. I’m a carnivore and love a good steak so there’s no way but I rarely eat chicken, beef, pork, or even ground turkey. There are so many disgusting things and additives put into our foods that as soon as I changed shit up, I lose almost 3 lbs a week. Yesterday, I weighed in at 170. I legit squealed in the girls locker room because I had weighed 173 a few days prior. I don’t starve myself and I sure as hell don’t consider it a diet. I just eat whatever the phuck I want but in moderation.
People tend to ask me, what are you doing? How did you do it? Do you have a trainer? My answer…I’m up at 415am to get to the gym by 430 and that answer alone is where they stop me and say, “oh, no, I can’t do that.” It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t or don’t want to. The difference is, I PHUCKING WANT TO. I don’t like being sleep deprived, I don’t like being around ppl that early, I don’t like freezing my ass off in the morning waiting for my car to warm up but I do it because my desire outweighs what I can’t do. I’m in no means saying I’m better than anyone else but, ppl really have to change what they think they can or can’t do if they want to achieve something. I don’t like being stagnant, I embrace change, and knowledge.
For me, working out made me happy. I was in a toxic situationship, I hated my job, I was so unhappy, crying constantly. Then when I started working out, I became proud of myself, and when I saw results, I kept going. Maybe that’s what ultimately gave me the strength to leave him and rid the poison invading my soul. Slowly but surely, I’m cleansing myself. I still have my days where I freak out, I’m insecure, wondering if the person I’m dating now will want me tomorrow. I think this is why I decided to start a blog. I can’t commit to writing in a journal daily. Writing this much would seriously cramp my hand. For the past couple of months, I’ve been writing quotes every day on my FaceBook and I’ve received a lot of positive feedback about it. I would post quotes depending on my mood or what was going or what happened the night before. They’d explain what I didn’t want to tell anyone but I felt like I was telling everyone. But still, I wanted privacy to think, write, say what I wanted without ppl I knew reading it and knowing. It almost feels like my power of emotion was being taken away. I can’t explain it. lol
I find that people commonly agree that they like when they read something that connects with them, makes them not feel so alone, like, “oh my god, I know exactly how she feels,” and all you’ve done is read a quote or an excerpt or a book. Reading about what other women had gone through, Lauren Matthias, her blog is actually what made me cry for her, because I understood and I wasn’t even married to my narcissist. That really helped me begin self-recovery. Which, is why I call this Self-Recover-T…1. because I love puns and 2. because you are here anonymously. I don’t know you but I hope you’re here to know yourself. I’m not even sure I can provide enough words or posts that relate to anyone but I do hope so because dating a narcissistic sociopath for 3 years almost destroyed me. But, it didn’t. So here I am. Here you are…maybe, maybe not.