Weight, what?!

This is one of those posts about fitness being a lifestyle over a hype, ya, I’m one of those now. A little over 6 months ago I was pushing almost 200 lbs. I stand at 5’4”….which isn’t healthy.  My BMI was a little over 30% and I wasn’t eating (or drinking) in a way that was good for me. I did manage to hide it well, kinda.  I have quite a few back problems that have stemmed from working out, snowboarding, and just bad form period. I was tired all the dam time and then, I just decided to start working out. Almost every morning, I’m at CalFits doors when they open, that’s 430am. And sometimes I’m there again in the evenings. I changed up my eating and drinking drastically. I was stagnant for a few months and I was so pissed, I couldn’t figure out what it was so I decided to stop eating meat but in moderation.  I’m a carnivore and love a good steak so there’s no way but I rarely eat chicken, beef, pork, or even ground turkey.  There are so many disgusting things and additives put into our foods that as soon as I changed shit up, I lose almost 3 lbs a week.  Yesterday, I weighed in at 170.  I legit squealed in the girls locker room because I had weighed 173 a few days prior.  I don’t starve myself and I sure as hell don’t consider it a diet.  I just eat whatever the phuck I want but in moderation.

People tend to ask me, what are you doing? How did you do it? Do you have a trainer? My answer…I’m up at 415am to get to the gym by 430 and that answer alone is where they stop me and say, “oh, no, I can’t do that.” It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t or don’t want to.  The difference is, I PHUCKING WANT TO.  I don’t like being sleep deprived, I don’t like being around ppl that early,  I don’t like freezing my ass off in the morning waiting for my car to warm up but I do it because my desire outweighs what I can’t do.  I’m in no means saying I’m better than anyone else but, ppl really have to change what they think they can or can’t do if they want to achieve something.  I don’t like being stagnant, I embrace change, and knowledge.

For me, working out made me happy.  I was in a toxic situationship, I hated my job, I was so unhappy, crying constantly.  Then when I started working out, I became proud of myself, and when I saw results, I kept going.  Maybe that’s what ultimately gave me the strength to leave him and rid the poison invading my soul.  Slowly but surely,  I’m cleansing myself.  I still have my days where I freak out, I’m insecure, wondering if the person I’m dating now will want me tomorrow.  I think this is why I decided to start a blog.  I can’t commit to writing in a journal daily.  Writing this much would seriously cramp my hand.   For the past couple of months, I’ve been writing quotes every day on my FaceBook and I’ve received a lot of positive feedback about it.  I would post quotes depending on my mood or what was going or what happened the night before.  They’d explain what I didn’t want to tell anyone but I felt like I was telling everyone.  But still, I wanted privacy to think, write, say what I wanted without ppl I knew reading it and knowing.  It almost feels like my power of emotion was being taken away.  I can’t explain it. lol

I find that people commonly agree that they like when they read something that connects with them, makes them not feel so alone, like, “oh my god, I know exactly how she feels,” and all you’ve done is read a quote or an excerpt or a book.  Reading about what other women had gone through, Lauren Matthias, her blog is actually what made me cry for her, because I understood and I wasn’t even married to my narcissist.  That really helped me begin self-recovery.  Which, is why I call this Self-Recover-T…1. because I love puns and 2. because you are here anonymously.  I don’t know you but I hope you’re here to know yourself.  I’m not even sure I can provide enough words or posts that relate to anyone but I do hope so because dating a narcissistic sociopath for 3 years almost destroyed me.  But, it didn’t.  So here I am.  Here you are…maybe, maybe not.

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